This is going to be a long entry :)
I sent adik today to her kelas agama. She was a bit late because she had to attend Tasmid class at school. I was watching her,she was searching for her class. She went from this class to that class and finally, kelas adik dekat bahagian belakang. I don't know why but ada air mata bergenang di mata aku. Looking at her, I realized, I pity her. So much. Adik melalui zaman kanak-kanak yang aku rasa semua kanak-kanak dalam dunia ni taknak. Being pull away by friends! Ya,tersisih dari rakan-rakan taulan.
Aku, selama ni dilihat sebagai perempuan yang lembut, dilabel sebagai baik, sopan, tapi hakikatnya pendirian aku tetap. Aku berani mempertahankan hak aku, harta benda aku, maruah diri aku. Tapi adik, luaran yang tampak kasar, selekeh, berani, pada hakikat sebenar seorang budak perempuan yang sentiasa diam, seorang yang tak punya self defence bila berhadapan dengan kawan, yang sentiasa disisih kawan sekeliling, diejek itu dan ini.
Back then, during our childhood time, we were born and raised up in a different way I would say. The way mummy raised us, the way mummy taught us to live our life. As far as I remembered, mummy never use 'aku kau' 'hang aku' 'hampa' or yang sewaktu dengannya. There were only 'sayang' 'anak' 'kakak' and 'adik'. She treated us very well and I am so thankful and grateful to have a mother like her.
The way you see I laugh,I am stronger than you ever imagine :)
Dari kecik sampai umur 9 tahun, aku cuma budak perempuan yang hanya berdiri dalam pagar, tengok orang sekeliling bermain di depan mata. Bermain pasir, bermain tepi longkang, berbasikal bersama kawan ke sana sini, itu bukan zaman kanak-kanak aku. Even though duduk dalam pagar, tapi itu lebih baik bagi aku. Mummy knows best :)
She's in standard 4 now :)
While adik's childhood memory, mummy wasn't really tough like mine. Maybe sebab aku anak first, so mummy really put the priority on me. For me, the way mummy raised both us are different. And because of that different-ness, we don't really have many friends. Adik jenis yang suka berkawan, yang tak pandai bergaduh. Dari jauh, dia cuma akan tengok kawan-kawan dia and kalau diajak bermain, baru dia join.
Kalau dekat sekolah, first time when she was at Chinese school, these chinese students really love to pull her pony tail, sometimes they even pijak her school bag. Dekat sekolah baru, which is a Malay school, these budak melayu suka mengejek, memulau, stole her text book etc.
I remembered there's this one day, I went to school to picked her up, she came to me, dengan muka sedih nak menangis, told me someone stole her thermos. So, me and adik went to her classroom, rupa-rupanya they hide the thermos dekat bawah meja someone else's.
But adik, she didn't do anything. Tak pernah mengadu, whether dekat cikgu or dekat rumah. You see, that is her lackness. She doesn't have self defence.
Setiap kali tengok adik in that kind of situation, hati aku tersentuh. Naluri seorang kakak mungkin, walaupun aku bukan seorang mak. So, to avoid her from feeling alone, untuk mengelakkan adik daripada rasa rendah diri and tiada kawan, aku selalu cycle dengan adik petang2. Sometimes, hari2 :)
Deep down, I always pray and hope she'll know that she's not alone. She's not torn apart. She still have me, forever.
But its okay. The more she grow up, she will understand, this is how other people live their life. She will learn to accept that the differences she has will bring her to a better life. One fine day, Allah akan jadikan adik someone better,InsyaAllah.
Doa dari seorang kakak,Ya ALLAH,Yang Maha Mengetahui,Yang Maha Adil,Yang Maha Memberi,bukakan pintu hati dia,lapangkan dada dia,kuatkan ingatan dia,permudahkan segalanya bagi dia,bantu dia Ya ALLAH,bimbing dia ke jalan Engkau,jadikan dia dalam kalangan terbaik dari yang terbaik.Amin.
p/s: You have my love with you sayang.Till the end,InsyaAllah.
